If you're dealing with someone who has an addiction, then let's face it. You're going to be dealing with some lying. There's a certain way you should go about it that's helpful and on the contrary unhelpful. I'm going to give you three major pitfall traps that I want you to be careful of when you're dealing with someone who's lying and you're deciding how to respond to it.
If you're dealing with someone who has an addiction, you're going to be dealing with this situation. Probably a lot more than most people.
Here's a video on how to tell if someone is telling the truth.
How do you respond when you think, or feel like someone is lying to you? I am a BIG believer in having a gut feeling. I think sometimes we have a feeling and we just know something's amiss.
I think you should listen to it, but there are some limitations to how much you should listen to that feeling. So before you go and call someone out based on your gut feeling, I want you to consider this. You see the thing about the gut feeling. I mean, overall, I think it's usually pretty correct.
It's telling you something, maybe it isn't right or is amiss, but in general, that feeling is just telling you something vague. This is where we can get ourselves in trouble. We jump the gun. We know deep down that someone's acting sketchy or that someone's not telling us the whole truth, but it's very easy for us to jump to a conclusion and decide we know what that missing piece is. Or we know what it is that they're hiding or which thing it was that they lied about.
I see family members make this mistake all of the time.
It's not that their radar is wrong, but more that they decide their loved ones are lying about where they were or who they're with or how much money was spent for example. A lot of times what they guess is wrong. When you guess wrong, you're calling someone out for the lie that they just told you, that's not accurate.
When you accuse someone and you say one wrong thing, the next thing you know, the person that you're talking to is going to derail you into flagged. That one little thing isn't going to become a whole other side argument, which is then going to branch off into another argument.
This brings me to point number two...
If you're going to call someone out for not being completely honest, then do it in a slightly more vague way.
Say something more along the lines of "Something's just not sitting right in my brain about this" or "I'm having a hard time with that. Can you tell me more?" If you have a good relationship with the person, you can use a little humor.
Another way you can do this is to put a little humility statement on the front, which is, "I know I could be wrong because I'm wrong a lot, but I just have a bad feeling about it." Or "I feel like maybe the story is missing a piece of information or something, can you tell me some more?"
This is called "calling it out." You're saying, "Hey, I know this isn't the whole story", but you're saying in a way that's a lot less likely to start a huge argument.
I know that when you're dealing with someone who has an addiction problem, sometimes no matter what or how hard you try, it's going to start a fight.
They're trying to start a fight because starting a fight is one of the ways of deflecting.
The third thing I want you to think about has to do with making that decision about whether or not you want to call someone out for lying.
Everybody lies and people lie for a multitude of different reasons. One of the things that are going to cause you to trip up and make a mistake in how you're interacting with someone is letting your ego get in the way. When you know someone's not telling you the whole story that doesn't necessarily mean you should call it out.
It's about making sure that that other person doesn't know that you're gullible. A lot of times I choose to let someone think I'm gullible. And when I do that, I'm being very strategic about it.
When I decide to call out a lie, I think to myself, What purpose will it serve? Will it get me closer to my bigger, overall more important objective, or is it going to start an argument? If you're not going to get them to admit it anyway and you're only doing it to prove your rightness, then it's probably not worth doing now.
I know that's a big ego hit, but it should help you at least a little bit in the background to know that. You're not falling for it. You're not being duped. You know exactly what's happening. You're making a strategic choice when to call it out. And when not to call it out,
I'm making strategic choices on how to deal with it, which is exactly what I want you to do because the goal is to keep you five steps ahead of addiction. Part of that is making strategic decisions and not letting your ego get in your way.