Have you ever heard the saying love is all you need? I don't believe that love is all you need. Do you know what people crave, want, and need more than they crave being loved?
Let's take a deep dive...
A few months back I had a set of parents in my office and we were trying to figure out together what to do. They have a teenager who is addicted to drugs and they were saying "We don't know what to do. We love her she knows we love her. Why does she not want to talk to us why does she not want to be around us?"
It occurred to me at that moment... yeah this girl knows you love her. She understands that and believes that deep in her bones, but you know what she doesn't think?
She doesn't believe that you like her.
What we all crave is being liked and when we feel like people like us, all of our best qualities come out. When we feel like people don't like us, all of our worst qualities come out. In this family situation, this young girl knew that she was loved but she didn't feel like her parents liked her. That made her defensive and dislike them and want to stay away from them and disengage. Once the family wrapped their head around this, I said "help your daughter feel like you like her".
IT CHANGED THE WHOLE DYNAMIC.
If you have a relationship that you've been trying to work on but it's not going very well, try to help that other person understand that you like them or you like something about them. I promise you you're going to start to see a different version of them; the better version. When you see that different version, it makes it easy to like them even more because they're showing you the best side of themselves. In your head, you might be thinking, "Well, I don't like them very much right now".
Here's what I want to challenge you to do:
I want you to think hard, dig deep down inside and come up with something that you can like about that person. Then just comment on it and see if it doesn't change the way they interact with you. What may happen next is you might start liking them because you'll start seeing the good version of that person. People love it and crave it's because it helps them like themselves.
When you notice the positive qualities of someone, just say it. It's not complicated and you can slide these into the conversation super casually. I promise you it will change the dynamics of the relationship almost instantly.
I'll be honest, the ability to see the positive qualities in people is easier for some people than other people.
Tip: put it out there in moderation. Don't go overboard with this technique or it will come off as inauthentic.
Let me know if you try this and if it changes your relationship.
Just in case you're struggling with this and the whole thing seems foreign to you, I've created a list of phrases you can say to people that communicate in a more sophisticated way than just saying, "I like you." You can snag that here: